Thursday, July 31


Anger runs through my veins!!!!

My mom read part of my blog. Fuck that. She told me it was no big deal and that it is just about boys and doesn't understand y i write on here. So I told her about how I stole money from her and got my tattoo-airbrush tattoo. Yeah i am a bad ass-whatever. I just feel angry. I want peace. I want to be away.

Another vacation wouldn't be bad. i am thinking Canada. They have good shopping up there.

I think i am going to either NDSU or SDSU for college. Both have benfits and faults.

People just want to see me cry. That is all i seem to do lately. I just can't handle how things are going right now. i need to feel love but where to find it. i wish i could buy... Who needs love? I DO!!! but really i don't. i need to think. Thinking. Thinking doesn't get you anywhere, but in a mess.

I am a mess. Some one should mop me up

Wednesday, July 30


A question asked so often i wonder if there is any real reason.

Every day 20 banks are robbed. The average take is $2,500!

Now why would someone rob a bank? Isn't the government helpping them? What do you really need in life that is worth stealing. What a fucking material world we live in. If you need money sell the stuff you don't need, get a job. i don't know, i am just saying WHY?

Why do we live? Why are we here? Is there reason? Is there hope?

I just don't feel good. Haven't every since i have seen what a fucking stupid person i have been. Last night i hung out with tori and her story relates to mine, but the only difference i have known that i am not the only one and i don't get any speacial treatment. Even though the "I have done more with you than anyone else" should make me feel better it doesn't. I want MORE! Why can't i get more? Just yell at me. Give me a reason to hate you. Let me escape. I want out or i want more. PICK ONE! You don't care do you? You haven't really talked to me about this.

I am going try to stop writing about this problem.

And on to the next...

I gave nikki the chance to be with luke. I hate being the bigger person. Though it wouldn't be far to luke if i had feelings for someone else.

Laptop is has low battery..

Bye Bye for now

Tuesday, July 29


Made two phone calls today. Not sure if any of them were a good call.

I guess calling Hayley didn’t really hurt, I found out she actually did have my sunglasses. I told her she did. No one listens to me-they think I am dumb. Sometimes they can think that but really I am a smart cookie. Though I got Ben’s phone number from her, the one I deleted. I put it back into my phone named PLAYER. After talking to Hayley I realized that my mom had his number too.

It lasted 1:08. I sounded dumb. Shocked that someone answer. Surprised there wasn’t some question, some yelling, anything. It was normal. How stupid am I? Of course it was to be normal, he hadn’t been online yet. I found my voice after awhile. I had before been asking for no one to pick up. I didn’t say hello for awhile, still dazed. I couldn’t believe I was the one making the call. Angry now pluses through me. I shouldn’t have called until later. Now going to the fair tonight will make me look desperate, he is going to be working there. Well so does this blog but this is like a diary that I don’t care that some read others I do.

I need a life other than this blog but I haven’t been home for about 2 weeks. Things add up, you think about things more. It is like Muppets Treasure Island the song Cabin Fever. I just need to be home. I need to get myself back into a routine.

Sorry for the last couple blogs, just needed to get some stuff off of my shoulders. Even though I haven’t fixed anything-I feel better.

Thanks for listening,

Shameful Easy Hidden in the Closet Kandi

Explaining myself...

I realized i should explain myself.

Ben i liked you, i mean i still do. i am trying to get over you because i know you don't like me like that. So i took adam's words to heart and stayed away, but that is hard because we are friends.

Luke is a different story. I have liked him too but nikki does and i am not going to stand in her way of getting him. So Ben I went after you. But after awhile i saw that it wasn't going anywhere. Feelings for luke came strong when nikki said he was going to ask me out at my bday and at POM but i couldn't do anything. But i guess i just have to grind my teeth if i could and just stay single and think. You all know how bad that is....

Now things are a mess.

Monday, July 28

Crazy....just crazy...

I am watching Hannah Montana and wow...just crazy. The only thing my sister will watch. I guess it is better than listening to my music and relating it to my life.

i screw everything up. I finally get things straight and it goes down for my friend. What am i to do? i just need to get home-talk to ppl. Thats right things are going to get better. No more problems. I don't care how it hurts me but ppl are going to be happy. I am going to deal. You guys just need to be happy.

I guess i have been acting crazy lately so...I am sorry. THe last post, idk, they are just there.




Sunday, July 27


Some stuff you never think will be hard but oh it is...
It changes you.
You are never the same, no matter what you withdrawal from.
I now am not a big chocolate fan. I like salty things.
I want to do nothing.
I am just different, i don't feel the same.
Oh god, i just want that phone call...the voice, the words, an explaination.
Not going to happen is what i keep on telling everyone we are just friends and we really are. Now i think that is too hard but college for you is good. Good for me too.

If you just give me that call though we can say goodbye.

Faith Hope A phone call
All i need


Just call.

I know i am confusing, crazy, anything you want to throw at me but you can't think you didn't do anything with it.




I have done it. I am moving on. I deleted the number and there is no going back. Well there could be if he called-but he won't. I am going to be single and happy. And in a month i will move onto something else, by getting a job and going to college(RCTC). I don't want to move on but what choice do i have, it has been said, it has been done. Who cares if i hurt. I am giving up two great guys if you don't understand. One to my BF-but it wasn't like i would have gotten him anyway. THe other to time and his lack to give me a name of what we are. Who the fuck cares, they don't, know one does.

College, an escape, here i come. I am going to miss what I had but it wasn't good enough for me.

Shameful Easy Hidden in the Closet Kandi is leaving.

I still want but i know i can't have.


Friday, July 25


I had the weirdest drama last night and i don't know what sparked it. Nothing special happened. I was actually pissed. Oh...I remember what made me happy! :) Some party boy music! haha Though the dream was about someone and idr who but all i remembered was that this boy got into my personal stuff and it was all about him and he was like I didn't know! Wow! and then he asked me out. Then there was this weird part about a shower. I don't know and there was this part about us being in the ocean and we were making a movie-he was the star and me an extra but some how i got hurt and saved me. It was just weird.

And i hate phone calls that i don't hear. I miss out on all the good stuff. Well fun stuff.

Lets party it up tonight. I am too impatient


I believe i made a mistake. But i had to....What was i to do just let it boil and bring me down. Until i get the phone call i am waiting for i am going to be in pain. I just hope parents don't get involved or the wash gets it. I might have to make the phone call. I will do it right now, maybe..idk.

Well anyways....I just got back from camping at Star Lake-Church Camp. It was a blast. I want courage though and then maybe it would have been better. Things just didn't go the right way. But it is all done and i feel better. Made friends with someone i didn't really know. Hung out with some awesome ppl and celebrated GOd. What could be better? I just think purple is a cool color. :) And the guys there were the best. ;) I just want my mouth to be better because i hurt them tubing. Darn it.

I guess someones parents think i am to involved with someone.....Thats just crap and ugh.

I want to go back to camp but instead i get to hang out with my mom and my sister for soccer and college visits. I am going to be up north forever it seems like. I get to spend only 13 hours in Eyota i think. I don't get to see friends-i miss them.

Though I might have to pack tomorrow and maybe they could visit in the morning but i doubt they will.

Call me on my cell.

Sunday, July 6


Time to party right? NO!
Nikki is on the phone talking to the boy who brings trouble.
He needs to learn to be normal-well himself. Not EMO! Can you tell him that?
Finally i can party-no more phone.

I want that boy, not nikki's boy.
The one i want can't get the clue.

I hate you reading this-you know who you are, i am not dumb.
If i was going to say shit i would have done it already and it isn't like anyone reads this.

I am just pissed thanks. I was happy, i was content.

Now the...

Fuck you.


Disappointment seems to follow me...
Family, Friends, Boys....
I am not going to get my hopes up
Why should I be able to get happy?
Nobody cares on how i feel about things.
They walk over me.

But how can i do that i care too much.
I need to care but not care about

-a boy who doesn't call
-not invited to things
-not having someone care about me
-last to know information

Whatever. Time to go emo or bitch.
I think bitch!

Thursday, July 3


So I just found out about who is reading this...I am disappointed. Maybe not disappointed but frustrated.

On a happier note I have been having fun these past three days. Hanging out with some cool people. Even some that stay up until 4 in the morning and help make eggs.

I have seen this summer that life after high school is going to be a blast. I am ready for college. Hopefully I can visit some people this year at their schools.

P.S. You could have told me....