Wednesday, March 16


The color read has so much meaning. Red is the color of blood...of death.. Yet the color red is the color of passion, of love, of your heart. Does that mean love brings death. Your heart will stray at times? What is love? People say it all the time, three little words that should mean a lot. "I love you" but what does it mean....I love you for body, for your passion, for what? I don't like those three little words...I am not liking love. I am not liking the feeling in my heart. I want to run..that feeling is there, stronger. I hope this feeling doesn't last long. I like being happy...haha. Though what makes me in happy and in love are different things...I am difficult person, and i love the color red.

Thursday, December 9

Time of the year...

The time of finals is upon us...The truth if you actually learned anything is here...I got 5 major tests to get through. Wish me luck.

Though with test being one of my causes of stress, how people treat each other is another. I don't even want to come home this holiday break, the only reason I will is to see my family.

I can't stand it when people involve a third person or called a middle man into a conversation. I understand a "third person" when that third person has nothing to do with the other but knowing each of them and talking to each other is a problem. What I am saying is that so much gets said and misconstrued that it doesn't come out right or people don't understand the other. I think it is easier to talk to the person you are having a problem with directly and not to make a huge deal about it. I am believer in telling the problem and giving a solution. I don't like being fake to a person, it isn't fair to them or me.

I have a problem. I am depressed. I am sad with all the hate that gets slandered around. I also get upset when I call people, but no one calls me. Though there are times I do get called and it is about problems that I have no idea what to say or I feel like what I say is not being understood correctly, which causes a greater problem.

I guess my solution to my problem is not to talk to anyone but that just makes me sadder. My other solution is just to call people about my good news and nothing about the bad. I just feel lately like no one is there for me.

I am struggling with school as a result of this problem. I just can't think about school when I know people are angry. That is why lately I like to tell people what is on my mind, but I feel like no one is listening or what I am saying doesn't come out right. I guess I don't know what to do.

I just want right now for my friends to be friends, talk about what is making them upset to each other (each person says something) and understand that what is going on is not a big deal and it will be fixed next time. People hear different things all the time, the telephone game fails after so many people. And I get it when people are confused it doesn't help the situation but to talk figures it all out.

I am this: I love everyone. I am confused by what people tell me, so I always say this is what I believe when talking (which I think doesn't get heard all the time). I think about everything more than once, more like 10 times. I hate being hated, I like it when everyone is friends, especially when a problem can be easily fixed. I do get upset when I think being said isn't heard or is not heard the right way, which I should be more clearer. I feel like a problem. I get frustrated easily, when not understanding.

I just hope people can talk and feelings won't be hurt, but that never seems to happen so for that I am sorry.

Sorry for everything. I just don't want to talk for it seems to be a problem.

Saturday, November 21

Need you now....

Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor
Reachin for the phone cause I can't fight it anymore
And I wonder if I ever crossed your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

Another shot of whiskey can't stop looking at the door
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
To me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothin at all
It's a quarter after one I'm all alone and I need you now
And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now
I just need you now
Ooo, baby, I need you now

Wanting what you can't have is hard to live with. To have what you have wanted but what someone else did not want is worse, it hurts you. You may try to say it is for "you", you need something that is for you but it will hurt even a tiny bit. It does for me. I want to talk more, I want to listen a lot more. I don't want to be the silly lady. Turned off my phone for the day to not be that silly lady. I just am....just silly. But like the song I will probably call a quarter after one because i need you.

Monday, November 16

what to say....

My life is pretty much on this blog. To understand how I think you should look at my blog. I have been hurt, I have been happy, and I have just talked too much.

I am lost for words right now.

i don't know when i do something wrong. I worry too much or say sorry way to often. It bugs some people but i do not know how not to say sorry. i am sorry for everything. Things I don't do i am sorry. Things I do but don't understand what makes it wrong i am sorry. I am sorry for being this person. THe person that some seem to hate or get angry at. I want to not be that person but it is not possible.

I guess what i am trying to say..is that me right now is not correct. I don't think I am right for you, but i want to be. I want to be the person for you. What you say is "your 18", and i think it bugs you. I wish I could change it. Change is good. I don't know what you think. I try to get it out of you but it doesn't always work. You make me happy, me glow, and smile. I love spending time with you and i want to spend more time with you but i am being clingy. I know it. You say you can be but you are not. I like PDA, i like being with you, around you. Are we moving to fast? We might be. I want you to share but i don't know how to get it out of you. I am going to share that I am worried I am too much, or not enough.

I feel by even saying this much you think I am crazy. I don't even know if I have enough guts to send this to you right away. So much of my life is on this blog. I am strange. I know. But do you know. Ugh...need to be slow. Sorry for being fast...so fast. Write me back if you want...I am kind of afraid.

Thursday, November 5


Words come easy to some
Difficult to say for others
You pondering over the correct phrase
The right way to organize your words

Words are like poisoin
Slowing killing me inside
I pondering over what you have said
thinking of your words

i just don't understand
yet shouldn't i
words are just a meaning
A way to describe

Words try to describe
they can't describe my feelings
They can not describe my pain
MY hurt

But words are words
Really what are words...
Just a way to not do what you mean
Not show but explain

Words are hard
they can't be what i truly mean
There are no words for what I think
words can not explain the blur i am in

Your words have put me in this blur
I am in this mist of swirling words
Words of words you have said

I wish I could share but there is nothing to be said
My words are all gone
Used or misused

Monday, June 8

Rain Rain Go Away

Right now I am sitting at home writing thank you cards to people....I am so tired of writing about the same thing. I am trying to make them personal but it isn't working out for me. I need to get out of the house but don't know when that will be.

Life has being going okay to bad. Work, like for everyone, sucks but isn't horrible. Friends are not completely friends, some more than others. I go out every night but don't have fun some nights. I don't want to be home and I don't want to do anything else. I don't want drama but it is everywhere.

I am going to finish writing and hopefully go to Bakers for some "free" pie and maybe some fun. :]

Thursday, April 16

While watching Bones..

So I can't sleep, got a major headache. My allergies are back...darn it. Work is going to suck tomorrow but should be slow due to it being nice outside. I coach my first soccer Game on Sat., I think the girls are going to do well but I have to figure out playing time. My speech today i wong(w/e), and won! 1 point docked due to my conclusion kind of sucking. :] But back to the serious things in life....

My life has only two problems at the moment: my love life and my Grandma.

First my Grandma is in the hospital today because she fell again. This time my Grandma fell getting the mail and seriously injuring her shoulder. My mom left two hours after the news, she is really worried. I sent a card of course not knowing what else to do.

My love life....not as serious as my Grandma but a problem... I was thinking on the way home how worse it could be but it isn't. Though I was thinking of how lucky it is for some girls to have the guy that takes them out and pays, then sits with them under the stars. I want the romantic guy but not going to happen when i am the clinging type. I am not seriously clinging...i just want what i can't have. ugh :[ I get sick of boys that are clinging but i do the same thing sometimes, how contradictory.

Heres the main problem.............I like a guy again, that has no interest in me than me being a trophy, at least that is the vibe I get. I decided not to be the one to text him, but have him text me so it took until 7:55 ish for him to text me....that made my day to have him text me. :] but it shouldn't be like that. I am afraid that he likes one of my sort of friends still and i am just side game for saying something when i wasn't myself....grrr. but then again i am pulling him along because i am dating Bob. errrrrrr..... So much confusion, i just want to be happy.... :[

Being myself means changing everything.....